Whimsy and Wit
by Pseudonym of Sanity
Summary: Ashley and Alexis were a couple of sarcastic, awkward witches with little to no romantic prospects. Sirius and Remus can't do much about the first two afflictions, but they certainly have something to say about the third. SBOC, RLOC.


_**Wit and Whimsy**_

_By Pseudonym of Sanity _

_****____**Summary**: ____Ashley and Alexis were a couple of sarcastic, awkward witches with little to no romantic prospects. Sirius and Remus can't do much about the first two afflictions, but they certainly have something to say about the third._

_**Pairings**: SiriusOC. RemusOC._

_**Warnings**: Potential for mild language and some light petting in future._

_**Disclaimer**: I do not own Harry Potter. I do own my original characters Ashley and Alexis._

Hi guys! I'm a long-time reader and first time writer of fanfiction. Please review!

_- Poss_

* * *

_It's good to be home._ Ashley reflected, looking up at the castle. Her tawny blond hair blew in the Scottish highland wind, and she wished she had thought to bring an elastic with her. Awkwardly tucking flyaway strands behind her ears, she went in search of her friends.

She hadn't caught the Hogwarts Express that year, because her father had business in Hogsmeade and had offered to see her off. She was a little sad to have missed the train, but she loved her father dearly and wouldn't miss an opportunity to spend a few extra hours with him.

She craned her neck, tall enough that she could see over the heads of most of the crowd. Ashley was an unusually tall youth. Then, out of the corner of her eye, she spotted a flash of red. Lily.

"Oi!" She called out, not caring much for the startled looks of those surrounding her. "Oi, Lily!"

The redhead turned abruptly and her face broke into a wide smile upon seeing her.

"Ash!" She called back, waving her over. "C'mon, Alexis is already inside."

Ashley ducked and weaved between the crowd, finally emerging on the other side. She linked arms with Lily and walked into the Great Hall.

The Hall was still only half-full, so finding Lexy at the Gryffindor table was easy. Ashley smiled upon seeing her friend, and pulled her into an uncharacteristically affectionate hug.

Alexis Moore had been Ashley Grien's best friend since they met on the Hogwarts Express five years earlier. It had quickly become the case that it was unusual to see one without the other.

"Ash," Lexy grinned, "another year, eh?"

"Perceptive, Lex," Ashley quipped, "nine outstanding OWLs for you, then?"

"Cow," Lexy scoffed, unaffected. "Do you think-"

"PADFOOT! OI, PADFOOT!" Their conversation was interrupted by the loud shout and heavy footfalls of one James Potter.

Sirius Black, the handsome youth in question, looked up with mild amusement at his friend's antics. "Where's the fire, Prongs?"

"Peter got pelted with dungbombs by Peeves!" James said enthusiastically.

"Of course he did," said Sirius coolly. "I told him to do it, didn't I?"

The boys burst into laughter at their clever prank, their amusement mirrored by some of the surrounding Gryffindors. Ashley, however, couldn't keep the disgusted look off her face as she observed the pair.

"I swear," Ashley muttered to her friends, "if Slughorn sticks me next to Black again, I might just drop Potions next year."

"You wouldn't," Lexy said calmly. "You'd never leave me when you love me so."

"What about me?" Lily demanded good-naturedly. "I'm the one who got you two through the last Potions exam, remember?"

"Tru dat," Ashley said solemnly, "we'd be lost without you, Lil."

Lily beamed upon receiving such validation, and began chatting with the girl to her left, leaving Ashley and Lexy to themselves. Or at least, so they had hoped.

"Oi, Grien!" Sirius said, slipping into the seat opposite Ashley. "How was your summer?"

"All the better for not seeing you, Black." Ashley replied monotonously, suddenly becoming very interested in the Gryffindor banners that hung above the table. She hated – _hated_ – Sirius Black.

"You wound me." He said, grinning wickedly. "How shall I go on?"

Her gaze flickered to him in annoyance. "Ideally, you _won't_."

Ashley noticed Lexy shaking her head, catching the eye of Remus Lupin, who sat down beside her. The pair smiled hopelessly, and Ashley couldn't help but be reminded of how similar they were. Both appeared to be stuck in a perpetual state of exasperation mixed with amusement.

"You'd think they'd be tired of winding each other up, by now." Remus whispered to Lexy, unaware that Ashley could still hear him.

Lexy laughed. "When the sun sets in the east, maybe."

Pettigrew, smelling faintly of dung, plonked himself down next to Remus. Ashley noticed Lexy's nose wrinkling in disgust. Neither of them had any particular love for the rat-faced boy.

"Face it, Grien, you adore me." Sirius said, recapturing Ashley's attention with this particularly unbelievable comment.

"Oh yes, I'm mad for boys who know me so little that they still refer to me by my surname and pick on the weak for no good reason." She replied flatly. "It gets me hot, truly."

Sirius seemed momentarily baffled, and Ashley thought she saw a flash of indecision in his eyes before James sat down next to Sirius, temporarily interrupting their verbal sparring session. Sirius quickly recovered, his expression once again becoming one of boredom and arrogance.

"Sirius," he said, "I nicked a snitch. Add it to the draw."

"What are you doing?" Lexy asked curiously as Sirius whipped out a piece of parchment and placed a mark on it.

"It's a competition." Remus explained, looking bemused. "They've put together a list of fifty items, the first to swipe them all wins."

"Wins what?" Ashley asked, discreetly trying to get a peek at the list.

"The loser has to be the winner's slave for a day."

Ashley, Lexy and Lily all shared looks of exasperation. This was when, regrettably, James noticed the latter of their party.

"Evans!" James said, relishing the name. "You alright?"

Lily looked thoroughly displeased to be seeing James, which neither Ashley nor Lexy could blame her for. He'd been after her for years, and she never been anything other than completely disinterested.

"Fine," she said thinly, looking on with displeasure as James ran his hand through his already messy hair. Ashley snorted, drawing a meaningful look from Lexy that clearly said 'careful now'.

"Fancy going out-"

"So good that you and Alexis are Gryffindor's prefects, isn't it, Remus?" Lily said loudly, silencing James.

"Ah – yes." Remus looked momentarily baffled by the change in conversation track. "Should be good fun."

Ashley thought that Lexy looked like she was going to say something, but then became flustered and began to strike up an earnest conversation with a passing friend from Ravenclaw in an attempt to cover.

Ashley responded instead, noticing Remus' crestfallen look. "You two were shoe-ins. I never did have the stuff of prefectery."

"Prefectery?" Lily asked, eyebrow raised.

"It's a new word," Ashley quipped, "go with it."

"She's good with _words_," Lily remarked ironically.

"Well, I am!" Ashley responded hotly. "Have we forgotten the 'they're/their/there' incident of '72, Miss Evans?"

"I'm on Lily's side!" James declared.

Both Ashley and Lily gave James a withering glare, but thankfully were spared the task of responding by the beginning of Sorting.

* * *

Lexy didn't know why she noticed, or even cared, that Remus Lupin was always looking tired.

"You alright?" She asked of him as they made their rounds. "You look a little pale."

"Fine." He said unconvincingly. "Really, I'm fine."

Lexy nodded, unable to think of anything to say. Usually she was alright with people, but something about Remus always made her freeze up. Ironically it would seem she cared too much about what he might think of her to give him impression of being easygoing or even not an ingrate.

"Alexis," he said haltingly, causing her to look up expectantly, "I was wondering..."

"Yes?"

"... if you'd like to form a little study group?"

She blinked. "Oh..."

"It's just a thought," he said hastily, "for all us Gryffindors, y'know, given that it's OWL year and all."

"No, yeah," Lexy said, struggling to think straight, "I think it's a great idea."

Remus looked relieved. "Good."

And somehow, Lexy found herself making elaborate plans for the inaugural Gryffindor OWL Study Group with Remus Lupin.

"...Frank Longbottom's probably good for it."

"...I'm sure Ash and Lily would be interested. Can't say the same for the other girls in my dorm, but I'll give it a go."

"...I doubt James and Sirius will make an appearance, but you never do know with those two."

"...We should meet every week, at least at first."

"...Excellent. We can add more meetings specific to certain subjects as the OWLs get closer..."

"...This is a great idea!" Lexy concluded enthusiastically. They'd been talking for a little over an hour, and their rounds had finished in earnest some time ago.

Remus blushed. "Thanks."

"I've always needed help with Potions," Lexy continued conversationally, her nerves forgotten, "I'm rubbish. The biggest compliment Slughorn's ever paid me is that I'm capable of becoming a '_tolerable potioneer_'."

"I'm sure you're fine, you're brilliant at everything." Remus said warmly.

Lexy blushed, not entirely sure of how to take the compliment. She twirled a strand of her silvery blond hair and avoided eye contact.

"I'm really not."

Remus shrugged. "Well, you're brilliant at everything _I've_ seen you do."

"Eating and walking, then." Lexy surmised with a grin. "Well, I suppose I'm alright at _those_ two things."

"Charms, Astronomy, Arithmancy..." Remus added. "Putting up with both your friends _and_ mine..."

Lexy laughed. "Okay, you've made your point. I _am_ wonderful."

His eyes glinted. "You have no idea."

Lexy suppressed the shiver that attempted to manifest itself at that.

"You're not bad yourself." She said shyly.

"I'm nothing special." He said dismissively, this time Lexy was sure she saw him blush. "I just do alright."

Lexy shrugged. "Suit yourself."

Truthfully, Lexy had a hard time imagining Remus as 'nothing special'. She'd known him for five years – though admittedly, not intimately – and in that time she'd never once seen him act thoughtlessly or cruelly. He was obviously a little different, but that made Lexy like him more.

Remus Lupin was smart, kind, calm...

Remus Lupin was looking at her with a distinct air of concern.

It occurred to Lexy that he'd probably been speaking. "...Sorry?"

Remus' face flooded with relief. "You looked faraway. I was just saying that we should head back to the Common Room before we have to give ourselves detention."

"Right." Lexy nodded. "Onwards and upwards, then."

* * *

The nights that Lexy went out on patrol were always boring for Ashley.

She was the kind of girl who so infrequently tolerated the presence of anyone outside of her immediate circle that she found herself incapable of conversing easily with strangers when such situations arose.

She passingly contemplated – as she always did – walking over and joining Lily's wider circle of friends on the other side of the Common Room. She quickly dismissed this idea. Lily's friends, much like everyone else in the room, were airheads unworthy of her time.

That is how Ashley found herself sitting in her favourite armchair and staring numbly into the distance. Just like always.

Ashley's cat jumped up onto her lap, providing some level of companionship.

Sage, a sleek, long-haired Persian, appeared to be just as derisive and imperious as her owner. She was, therefore, unwilling to abide the ministrations of anyone other than Ashley. This she didn't mind, it made her feel special. Like the relationship that existed between cat and owner was one of true solidarity.

She noticed Sirius Black over by the corner with his friends (sans Lupin, who was on patrol with Lexy). They looked to be whispering conspiratorially.

_Lord, it's only the first day back_, she thought tiredly. _What could they be up to?_

The relationship that existed between Sirius and herself was interesting to say the least. She wasn't the _only_ girl in school who wouldn't go out with him, but she certainly was the only one who Sirius seemed to be aware of.

It had started out as a bet, she recalled. In their third year Sirius had made a bet with James: if he could convince her to kiss him, James would give Sirius his broom. They were, of course, unaware that both Ashley and Lexy had overheard them making said bet. Ashley had resolved to make the affair of wooing as difficult and protracted as possible for poor, oblivious Sirius.

James was able to hold onto his broom. Sadly, the same could not be said for Sirius' pride.

Ashley smiled as she recalled the sight of Sirius down on one knee in the middle of the Great Hall, begging her to go to Hogsmeade with him. She relished the memory of nonchalantly turning him down in front of all those people – like it happened every other week (which, since then, it kinda did).

"Grien."

Speak of the devil and the devil appears.

"Yes, Black?" She responded coolly, scratching Sage's chin. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"So we've been doing this dance for years-"

"Lord, not this again..." She sighed, moving towards the girl's dormitory.

"No, c'mon, just hear me out." Sirius said firmly, steering her back to her seat. "I've been asking you out since third year, and you've been turning me down for just as long."

"Astute." She said, eyebrow raised. "Any other keen observations to proffer?"

"You're like the _only_ girl to do that." Sirius continued. "And, well, it's a bit weird, Ash."

"_Weird_?" She repeated.

"Yes, weird." He confirmed. "And I'm worried about you. You've already made a bit of a name for yourself as a sort of terrifying banshee-woman..."

"What?" Her eyes narrowed.

"Well, people are going to think you're not normal, aren't they? Doing truly bizarre things like refusing to go out with me-"

"Just because _you_ can't fathom why anyone would turn you down doesn't mean nobody else can!" She protested.

"Why _wouldn't_ anyone want to date me?"

"Lets see," she said, making a show of her mock-deliberation, "well, you're arrogant-"

"– Am not!"

"–Selfish."

"–Since when?"

"–_Mean_."

"–Come off it!" Sirius exclaimed. "When have I _ever_ been mean?"

"Just today you made a horrible joke about Amelia's acne!" Ashley exclaimed. "And she was standing _right there_!"

"Allow me to rephrase the question." Sirius said. "When have I ever been mean _to you_?"

"You called me a terrifying banshee-woman not ten seconds ago!"

Ashley saw Alexis and Remus climb through the portrait hole out of the corner of her eye. The two immediately made their way towards the altercation.

"Honestly, we leave you lot alone for an hour..." Alexis sighed. "Can you two just give it a rest?"

"_He's_ the one who started it." Ashley said sullenly, fully aware that she sounded like a preschooler.

"Hey, I'm just trying to be friendly." Sirius said, raising his hands defensively. "Just trying to look out for the girl. She's obviously a little disturbed."

"You're a real piece of work!" She burst. "I wish you had gone to Slytherin like the rest of your family. Then I wouldn't have to see your ugly mug every day!"

"Banshee-woman!"

"Prat!"

"Get a life!"

"Go to hell!"

"_Enough_." Remus said tiredly. "I guess we were foolish to think peaceful cohabitation was possible. I'll talk to you later, Alexis."

"Bye, Remus." Lexy said softly, her face aglow.

As she could always be depended on to do in such situations, Lexy led Ashley to the relative safety of the girl's dormitory to have her meltdown in peace.

* * *

Hope you liked it!

**- Poss**


End file.
